Amar membuka matanya, berpinar2 padanganya... d lihat nya sekeliling dgn penuh rasa tandatanya dan kehairanan... otak bingung berfikir bagaimana dia boleh berada di situ. Seorng lelaki pertengahan umur menyapa namanya tiba2. Dia tersentak. Dr Osama tertera namanya pada kad identiti d bajunya. Seorang jururawat muda yg berdiri di sebelah doktor itu tersenyum d kala matanya mengalih ke mata jururawat itu. “ah, aku d hospital!”fikirnya.

Dikala dirinya dilanda seribu pertanyaan sempat lagi Amar melempar senyuman kepada mereka berdua. Belum sempat dia membuka mulut berbicara, dr Osama berkata, “alhamdullah U sudah sedar. jangan bimbang pasal keadaan u, just rehat dan kita akan berbicara kemudian”. Amar mengangguk tanda setuju, dia sedar bahawa dia tidak begitu upaya untuk byk bertanya, badanya masih lemah. Dilihatnya sekeliling peha kirinya lebam2, dan kaki dibalut dengan semen. “patah barangkali” fikirnya. Dia cuba mengangkat kepala, namun x berdaya. Kepalanya mula pening2 dan berdenyut.

Dikala itu pintu bilik hosp. di buka seseorang. Seorang perempuan 40’a meluru masuk meluru ke arah katilnya dan mengusap kepalanya yg masih berbalut rapi itu. Matanya bengkak kemerahan dan tiba deras air mengalir dari kelopak matanya. Mulanya dia membisu, sekian seketika, dia mula bersuara sambil tersedu2.

“alhamdullah. akak gembira amar akhirnya sudah sedar, akak mmg takut kalau2..”. Kata2nya terhenti. Walau wajahnya terpendam seribu perasaan.... gembira, sedih, bimbang dan segalanya namun matanya terpancar seribu kesyukuran melihatkan adik kandungnya sedar kembali selepas 3 hari koma d hosp. amar mengerutkan dahinya, dia kembali keliru. D cuba mengingatkan siapa kah yg sedang bercakap dengan dia ketika itu. Bersungguh2 amar cuba mengingati, namun gambaran fikirannya kurang jelas. Ingatanya sudah kabur. Mahu juga dia bersuara namun x tahu apa yg mahu di bicarakan. Amar hanya mengukir senyum tanpa berkata apa2.

“mak tak dapat datang, dia x sihat... dia datang jaga amar 2 hari lepas, lepas tu dia terpaksa balik kg sebab badanya panas dan lemah2”, kata kakaknya bersungguh2. “yg lain juga dah balik, jadi tinggal akak seorang saja jaga amar, nanti akak bg tahu yg lain yg amar dah sedar” tambahnya lagi. Selepas d amati, barulah dia cam akan kakaknya itu. Kakak yg pernah mngajar dan mbantunya mengulangkaji pelajaran. Kakak yg menolong masak makanan untuknya d kala emaknya keluar menjual kueh.
“terima kasih kak”, balas amar spontan.

***************

Petang itu amar bersendirian d kamar hospital. Dikala matanya memandang keluar tingkap memandang langit biru... lamunan tersentak pabila pintu biliknya d ketuk. Dilihatnya 6 orng doktor muda, 2 lelaki dan 4 perempuan melangkah masuk ke dlm biliknya. Sambil tersenyum doktor2 itu menyapa amar dan berdiri mengelilingi katilnya. Amar membalas dgn senyuman. Mereka bertanya kabarnya dan berbual2 seolah2 mereka sudah lama mengenali amar.

“terima kasih kerana mengambil berat tuan doktor”, ujar amar tiba2. “Kau ni, sakit pun nak buat lawak, tahu la kita bakal jadi doktor, tapi tak payah la panggil kitaorang doktor” kata salah seorang dari mereka sambil tersengih. Amar bertambah keliru, “siapa doktor? Siapa yang bakal doktor nih?” tanyanya jujur. Mukanya berkerut seribu, fikiranya celaru seketika, lalu dia bertanya untuk kepastian “maaf semua, saya kenalkah doktor semua?”. Semuanya tercengang, diam seribu bahasa. Tiba2 seorang dr mereka yg bermuka cerah tinggi lampai bertudung merah jambu bertnya “x kenalkah kau dgn kitaorng nih?” “kitakan satu kump dlm post O&G” tny yg lain lagi. Amar menggelengkan kepalanya. Mereka semua seolah orng asing baginya. Dia cuba mengingati, namun gagal. Mereka kelihatan hampa. Selepas bersalam2an, mereka keluar dari bilik itu, dengan penuh tanda-tnya.

********************

“masalah kaki patah awak nih, nampaknya akan baik dalam masa 6 minggu. selepas 2 hari awak sedar, saya rasa awak ada masalah momory loss... selepas awak kemalangan hari tu, otak awak mengalami gegaran dan bengkak, sebab itu dia jadi macam ni“Terang dr Osama kpd amar dan kakaknya. Amar dan kakaknya terkejut. “sampai bila adik saya akan mcm ni doktor?” tnya kakak amar spontan. “ ingatan mungkin akan pulih dlm masa 2 jam lagi atau pun 2 hari ataupun 2 tahun atau 20 tahun atau x pulih langsung... itu bergantung pada keadaan”, terang dr Osama lagi.

Selepas dr Osama meninggalkan mereka, pintu bilik d ketuk dan lebih kurang 15 orng lelaki dan perempuan, semuanya memakai kot doktor, melangkah masuk dah berhimpit dalam bilik itu. Amar mengukir senyuman kepada mereka. Kakaknya melangkah kelur dari bilik itu meninggalkan amar dan pelawat2nya itu. Suasana dalam bilik itu diam seketika. Tiba2 seorang dari mereka berkata “saya nih zul, housemate awak... ini mungkin agak pelik tapi kami sebenarnya adalah kawan awak dulu... kawan baik sangat. tak mengapa lah kalau awak x ingt, tapi kami nak awak tahu yg kita pernah berkawan dan harapkan awak cepat sembuh dah kembali join kami...” katanya perlahan. “terima kasih” balas amar sambil memegang tangan zul.

*****************

Sudah 1 bulan amar di hospital. Dia sudah boleh berjalan dgn topang, namun masalah ingatanya masih tiada pkembangn. “saya rasa awak bolehlah balik rumah besok, dan follow-up bolehlah dekat hosp. Kangar sana sbb dekat dng kg awak, awak apa2 awak buleh rujuk doktor sana” jelas dr Osama pada suatu pagi. Kakaknya hanya mengangguk. “Bagaimana dgn urusan berhenti universiti?” tanya amar kepada kakaknya selepas dr Osama keluar. “Semuanya sudah settle, kakak sudah terima Surat pengesahan berhenti dari dekan fakulti, dia pun bersetuju pasal pemberhentian ni, tapi... betulkah amar betul2 nak berhanti belajar?”. Amar diam seketika. Dia kemudiannya bersuara “susah saya nak blajar balik sbb semua yg saya belajar sudah hilang kak, kawan2 saya pun saya x kenal...langsung x kenal... diri saya sendiri pun saya x ingt..... Lebih baik saya berhenti sekarang, I’m not belong to this place, I want to be at home”, airmatanya jatuh menitis membasahi pipinya.

***************

Petang itu seorang kawanya, hamdan, datang dengan sebuah kotak yg penuh buku2 didalamnya. “ni buku2 kau yg masih tertinggal dalam loker kat asrama... barang2 lain semua abg kau dah ambil dah” kata hamdan. “terima kasih la hamdah, sorry menyusahkan kau pulak” balas hamdan. “Alah dulu aku byk menysahkan kau, sekarng ni la masanya kau menyusahkan aku pulak hehe” jawab hamdan. “tentu byk kenangan aku bersama kwn2 dulu... kalaulah aku buleh ingt kembali...” fikir amar sendirian selepas hamdah keluar. Satu persatu amar amati buku2 dalam kotak itu. Tiba2 hatinya tertarik sebuah buku diari berkulit keras warna hitam. Dia membuka mukasurat pertama, hatinya tersentak dah bergetar. Jantungnya berdegup kuat. Satu persatu mukasurat buku d baca, dng penuh konsentrasi dan bersungguh2... fikiranya bercelaru, penuh tanda tanya, dan jantungnya berdegup makin pantas.

***************

“selamat petang, awak nak jumpa sayakah?” sapa seorang gadis ketika melangkah ke dalam bilik itu. Wajah nya bujur sireh, berlesung pipit, wajahnya sedikit tembam... tingginya lebih kurang 6m, berbaju kurung dan bertudung oren dan bersarong kain batik jawa, sedondong sekali. Matanya yg bulat tepat memandng amar. Di kepitnya buku dan kot doktornya di tangannya dah sebelah lagi memegang stetescope. “awakkah Sarah? maaf ganggu awak, kalau awak tak kisah, saya nak jumpa awak sekejap...” tanya amar. “ya saya Sarah... tak ganggu pun, saya pun dah x ada class dah lepas nih” katanya sambil duduk d kerusi bersebelahan katil amar sambil tersenyum. “bolehkkah kata berborak kat beranda luar kejap, sbb saya nak tanya something?” tanya amar lagi. Sarah hanya bersetuju tanpa banyak soal walaupun dia sendiri agak kehairanan.

Petang itu agak redup... angin sepoi2 dan keadaan agak tenang sekali. Mereka berdua duduk d atas kerusi panjang yg d letak d hujung wad mengadap taman bunga dan padang.

“awak rasa, kenapa saya nak jumpa awak?”
“X tahu”
“Sbb ni”, sambil mengeluarkan buku diari hitam yg dibacanya semalaman.
“ini? Ini bukan buku saya” balas Sarah bertambah hairan.
“Ya saya tahu sbb ni “pernah” jadi buku saya. Saya rasa saya patut kongsi isi buku ini dgn awak... awak just dgr saja, biar saya ceritakan kandungannya...

***************************************

Today is 1st of March 02, I must write this, because I’m afraid of losing this feeling. Feeling since 2 years ago but I never do something about it... Probably by writing this, this moment, the feeling will last forever. I see her today, so much of her... she greet me this morning... huhu i smiled all the day... cant close my mouth.

26 March 02, I saw her wearing pink baju kurung with tudung... such adorable. Whatever she wears, it just fit for her... just nice, really made for her.

05 June 02, I see she is so happy today. Don’t know why, but I’m happy too. I wish this moment will stop and let us be happy forever =)

27 August02, when I am in cafeteria, I see her with few of her friends, I’m by myself. She smlies and asks me to join with them having launch. I’m speechless... so lucky of me. My appetite suddently gone, but who cares, huhu. My appetite comes back 2 days later...

31 August 02, today is holiday, I’m walking in a supermarket... then suprisingly I see her, wearing embroidered blouse with long flowing gauze skirt, so cute, just like always. I’m stunned when all of sudden she raises her hand to me. My body is suddenly frozen like stone.... but I manage to smile back to her. I won’t forget this moment forever... ever.

23Nov02, I rush to class today, and I’m waiting for damn slow lift. The lift door then suddenly opens, she stands infront of me... her eyes look into my eyes. Time as if has stopped, I feel so empty, nothing inside. She steps aside and leaves me floating in the sky... huhu, I’m so blissful. I can’t sleep well that night and next following 2 days, but it worth!!!

***************
***************

Today is 09 March 2004. Today is her birthday. It has been 4 years I have got this feeling to her. This feeling started the first time I saw her step into to our first class session in first year of medical school. It never changed till today, my feeling is still same... the way I like her at the first sight, and I think it won’t changed forever. I hope so. I want to wish her birthday and give a special gift if possible, but I’m stupid enough to approach and talk to her... just like always. I’m so dumb.

26 May 04. Today I have to do something about this feeling. I think I have to tell her about this, no matter what it takes, what would happen... but how??? I’m so hopeless. I must think quickly otherwise I’m going to loss her forever...

****************

01June05. Today I’m confident. I’m never as confident as today. I wrote a piece of paper... “Sarah, I like u so much – from amar”, I wish to give it to her, no matter what it takes. But I have lost it, arg... I just have no chance (what an excuse!!!)

02June05. Mazni appears infront of me this morning, with a piece of paper in her hand... that “lost paper”. My hand suddenly cold, my heart bounds hardly. Mazni look into my eyes and asks whether this is true, I slowly nod my head. I must say she’s one good friend of Sarah; she is nice and understanding friend as well. I don’t know this thing is good or not, but it really agitates me. She then brings to me to the café and we have chat there, chat that brokes my heart terrribly. I quote the first thing she tells me in the cafeteria.

“u know that sarah already has boyfriend, why u did all this???”Said Mazni loud. My heart stops beating for awhile. I’m shocked!!! I never expect this because I never see her goes around with someone special in her heart. Never! I’m frozen still. “u must not do this to her” added Mazni again.

“I’m sorry, I’m never expecting this, I never know she already has someone... just don’t know.” My voice comes out after all. “I thought u want to break their relationship, I’m sorry... but do you really like her?” asked Mazni softer. I paused awhile and continue, “I want you to know that I never have any bad intention to Sarah, what so ever. Second one is whether I liker her or not, it ain’t important, what important is I will never do this again, ever... to her, so u should not worry about this after this”. I have difficult time to smile, to talk, to pretent as if nothing happen. i cannot stand this, my heart is shouting loud... I stand up immediately and turn to leave. Before I walk away, I warn Mazni not to tell this to anyone, even to her self. She nodds in frightens. Let she deserve that because telling me this bad thing.

5th june2005. I still cannot sleep well for past 3 days... I’ve lost appetite... this becoz the “lost paper” incident. Hopefully I can overcome this soon...

******************

23august 2005. It has been months, I still cannot forget her... don’t know why my heart still denies the fact that she has already belong to someone. I’ve told my heart thousand times to ignore her... it seems to refuse. But I can’t blame it anyway... we can’t really choose who we’r going to love, adore, hate or dislike... and we can’t be sure people like or dislike us as well, we just can try... we also cannot choose to be happy, sad, frustrated, angry...

I’m triying very hard to persuade myself to pull this feeling out of my heart, feeling that make me frustrated, dissapointed, hopeless... but I failed still.

Nevertheless I feel a huge relief, if she turned to me... I’ll be insane indeed, becoz I’ll be the happiest mankind that ever walk on earth... that I never experience the feeling for my entire life and certainly I’ll never be able cope such feeling.... the tremendous happiness, terrific pleasure,...and I’ll just turn craze. I better live with this untold secrecy, and let my soul perished with my body... silently.

***********
***********

25 December 2006; today is really bad day... really bad. I never had this feeling before... I’m full-blown of frustration. Today is Christmas holiday... I went to bukit bintang. I’m about to board in the monoreal, suddenly my eye caught her, standing, facing away from me... but I’m surely that is her. What surprises me is her hand hold someone hand, a not so good looking guy, about her age, wearing glass, not as tall as me, sparse hair, with full ache on his face... but he’s holding her hand!!! Both of them seems happy and so close... my heart burst of tears, and cried out loud... luckily she didn’t notice my presence. I left both loving couple in the monoreal... with feeling of heartbreaking overwhelmed me.

I repeatedly tell myself that she already out of my grasp...or accurately never within my grasp. I do not lose her because I never own her... it just my stupid heart, love someone unreasonably... let it deserve this pain, pain of frustration.

******************

23February2007. it has been few months after the “monoreal incident”. My heart still can’t recover. Feeling of frustration, denial, want-to-love, hate, dissapointed come on and off, sometimes come all together... I think I cannot let this thing continue, I must tell her... MUST. We’ll be apart after finish undergraduate in 8 months time. But how possible to do this??? I’m so powerless.

01March2007. Today is very hot day... I’m so stressfull because of the coming exam, but thinking of her is more stressful. So, no matter what, I’ll do something about this. I’ll write a letter to her... I’ll pour my entire feeling into a piece of paper and give it to her... I have to, now.

*********************

Amar menutup buku diary itu. Di lihatnya sarah, yang tunduk layu, tidak bekata mahupun bersuara. Di lihatnya mata sarah berkaca... suasana diam seketika, hanya desiran angin petang dan suara kanak2 bermain kejauhan kedengaran. Matahari sudah pun mendekati ufuk senja.

Amar mengeluarkan sehelai kertas... “Inilah kertas luahan isi hati itu... mungkin “dia” tidak sempat serahkan pada awak sbb kemalngan tempohari... kemalangan yg menyababkan saya lupa siapa amar. saya tidak membacanya kerana ianya bukan untuk saya, isinya pun saya tidak tahu, sebab ingatan saya langsung tak pulih. Saya rasa baik saya bagi kat awak sekarang sebab pagi esok saya balik kg, saya sudah tak tinggal disini mahupun belajar sini lagi. Saya takut kalau tak sempat bg surat ini dekat awak”.

Sarah mengangkat kepala dan mengmbil surat itu lalu menyimpanya dalam lipatan buku yg d ribanya. Matanya nampak kemerahan, pipinya kelihatan basah...

“Mengapa awak bg tahu saya semua ini? Apa tujuan awak sebenarnya?” tanya sarah perlahan.

“d muka akhir diari ini, dia ada menulis sesuatu sebelum dia “pergi”...” jawab amar lagi.

“Saya bacakan...
if in this life, I’m given a wish that will become true, I’m not going to request for something for my own comfort, money, car, success in exam, wisedom, or even to be loved by her... but I’ll ask a chance, a chance tell what my heart feel about her, just a chance...
saya harap awak faham kenapa saya bg tahu awak semua ni”, jelas amar.

“ya saya faham... terima kasih kerana bg tahu saya semua ni... saya tak salahkan awak” jawab sarah lagi.

Sejurus kemudia seorang jururawat muncul dan mengarahkan amar balik ke katil sebab waktu sudah agak senja. Amar mengangguk setuju.

“saya rasa saya dah bg tahu apa yg sepatutnya saya ceritakan dekat awak... terima kasih sebab sudi datang. Diary ini bukan saya punya, saya rasa ia milik kawan awak, amar yg awak kenal dulu... saya serahkan pada awak saja lah”, kata amar sambil berdiri mahu pulang ke katil. Sarah mengangkat tanganya dan menggengam lemah buku itu... amar pun berjalan pergi meninggalkan sarah sendirian, kaku melayan peraannya di atas bangku itu, kelihatan dia masih enggan untuk berangkat pulang. D lemparkan pandangannya jauh2 ke langit senja...

****************************

Jam menunjukkan 01.00 mlm. Semua housematenya sudah tidur. Malam itu sangat sunyi... hanya bunyi deruan angin malam dan cengkerik kedengarah. Sarah perlahan lahan membuka loker... d ambil surat yg diterimanya petang tadi. Hatinya berdebar... perlahan2 d buka lipatan kertas itu.

“A letter to a girl,
a girl who has taken my heart away 4 years ago, but never realize... never turn to me and give my heart back... leaving this body soulless. sorry if this letter disturbs you, but I hope u understand that I’ll be more disturbed than anyone on earth if I do not write and pass this letter to you... I won’t mind if you don’t take this letter seriously, but at least please do read this because... I just don’t know why.

It starts when we had first class in our first year... that time I 1st saw u, wearing baju kurung dan bertudung hijau muda, just so charming of you... I’m waering green shirt too that day. Don’t know why, I’m just so happy that day. The subsequent days I just eyed on you what you where, your smiles, your step... everything become interest of me (sorry for that matter, I don’t really mean to make u upset because of this, but this is really not me, I just turn like this becoz of you, that all). Then this thing becomes my obsession... without realizing this is called LOVE.

Yes, I’m falling in love with you, since the first time I saw you, till this moment. It never changed, never increase or decrease, no matter what had happened in these 4 years. It may be so strange for you, I feel the same too. Its actually weirder for me who has never had such feeling of love and being loved... never had since I was born.

I again want to apologize for my stupidity and if this letter make you discomfort, but I know u are understanding, open-minded girl.... and I won’t mind if you ignore it and thrown this letter away... i don’t aspect you will turn to me or even sympatize with me, just know what I’ve been this feeling to you for quite sometime, that all.

I also hope our friendship won’t be affected because of this. I’ll really appreciate you won’t tell anyone about this.”

Your Sincerely ;

Amar, a friend of your.”

Sarah gengam surat itu erat... fikirannya kosong. Dipandangnya langit yg cerah disinari cahaya bintang berkedipan dan bulan. Walaupun sudah jauh larut malam, matanya masih belum mengantuk... d layan perasaannya dalam2 berseorangan.

********************

“selamat pagi staffnurse, boleh saya tahu mana pesakit bernama amar?” tanya sarah keesokan pagi kepada seorang jururawat. Amar sudah tiada d wad, kelihatan katilnya tersusun rapi, barang2nya pun tiada lagi. “dia sudah pulang awal2 pagi tadi...” jawab jururawat ringkas.

Sarah mulai panik, jantungnya berdegup kencang... “dia ada tinggalkan surat kepada cik sarah, nah ini surat dia.” Sarah pantas mengambil surat itu, lalu d baca segera.

“kepada sarah,
Saya menulis surat ini kalau2 awak datang cari saya... maaf pasal semalam... apa yang berlaku awak dan “dia” ada lah bukan urusan saya. Jgn cari saya sbb saya bukan lah amar yg awak kenal dulu... dia sudah tiada, dan saya tak mahu kenangan pahit pasal perasaan saya dulu terhadap awak kembali, nasib baik juga saya mengalami hilang ingatan, huhu. OK, harap tidak berjumpa lagi.

Yg benar;
Am.”

Surat itu benar menggugurkan jantung Sarah... mahu saja d lepaskan airmatanya. Hatinya memberontak kecelaruan, celaru d landa kesedihan dan kekesalan. Di tangannya ada sekeping surat yg kemas berlipat, surat yg d titipnya malam tadi, surat suara hatinya...

“Amar, why do you this to me, you express your feeling this way, it just soo late... and you leave me high and dry. If u tell me this a bit ealier... if. Don’t you know that u are the first guy that caught my sight and stays in my heart... till now. Do you know I like u earlier than the 1st time you see me... you never know that 1st time I saw you was for faculty registration, much earlier before you notice my presence... wearing blue tie, white long sleeve shirt... you look so nervous that time because you had lost your application letter for registration, everybody looked at you... me too. You probably did not notice about pen that you had borrowed it to me that day, so kind of you. But I haven’t returned it to you, because I just love it, and I keep it till today...

I clearly remember, every single moment that you put in your diary... the moment I meet you on cafetaria and we have good lunch together, moment at the supermarket, the moment where we meet in front of lift... I also remember the moment where you see me and that boy in monoreal... actually I already see you before you boarded in the monoreal that day, that why i just turn my head away, hoping you'll not notice me... But my stupidity is too big to be hidden from you. You know that I'm more stressful than you because of that incident... so sorry for that. Boyfriend is just my impulsitivity, I not really serious about him, I’m just afraid of being alone. I’m sorry... I’m sooo sorry...

Please give me a chance, 1st and last chance to tell you, that i like you so much, much more than you like me, more than i love myself...”